Chunking Up the Page

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Things Mother Never Shared

I grew up in the era of Sears and JC Penny catalogues when the whole family eagerly awaited the arrival of the Wish Book each Christmas. We spent hours looking at the latest toys and fashions, furniture and tools. However, all that early exposure to the wonders of paper "window shopping" has turned me into a catalogue slut.

I confess I can't toss away those junk mailed brochures that fill my mailbox throughout the year. I never buy anything -- I save that for eBay -- but I love to look! Whether it's L.L. Bean, Chadwicks, Toys 'R' Us, Oriental Trading Company, The Inflight Shop or any company, I simply can't resist a little BBT (Browse Before Tossing).

Recently, I've been closing up my Mom's apartment. She had to go to a nursing home after her stroke in July, so the packing has fallen to my sister and me. While I was emptying her magazine basket, I stumbled upon a cache of her catalogues. They ran the gamut of things to appeal to seniors - Blair (she loves those stitched-crease double knit pants), Dr. Leonard, Fingerhut, a handful of vitamin company offerings, and a modest size catalogue called Healthy Living. The catalogue slut in me shoved them in my tote to BBT later when I had time.

Tonight, I found them in my tote and decided to browse the Healthy Living catalogue. The offerings were somewhat amusing. Vitamins, hair restoratives, spray-on hair, a sling-like device to prevent double chins, bunion cushions, hearing aid devices, etc. Everything geared to either assist or rejuvenate. However, my jaw dropped when I flipped from a page that advertised incontinence pads and bedside commodes to the next page.

There in living color was a 4-page spread of sex aids!

I kid you not. It was amazing! A double headed vibrator called the G-Quake massager (oh my god), potency drops, sex tapes (Oh My god!), massage cream to "increase firmness, fullness, and size (OH My God!), a remote controlled egg shaped device guaranteed to "give you Earth-Shattering Tremors" (OH MY GOD!)!

While I didn't discover any "purchases" among her belongings, I had to wonder why Mom not only kept the catalogue but had also marked the page. Now, I'm not sure if I should be appalled or if I should say "Way to go, Mom!"

I guess I'll think about that one later.

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 7:41 PM | 0 comments

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Happy Memorial Day!

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Well, tomorrow is Memorial and despite the horrendous gas prices -- it hit $4.189 per gallon here today -- I'd still rather be living here in our good old USA than anywhere else. To all those who gripe about our gas prices, taxes, politics, etc. I say, if you don't speak up to your Congressmen, if you continue to re-elect the same ones election after election, don't complain about the fact that you get the same results. Can you say "term limits"?

But that discussion is for another day. Today, I want to wish all of you a very happy Memorial Day holiday. In the midst of camping, picnics, boating, or just relaxing on the extra day off from work, please take a moment somewhere to say a quiet thank you to the men and women in our Armed Forces who have sacrificed so much on our behalf.

I read on the CNN site that approximately a thousand veterans die each day and many of them are buried in National Cemeteries. It's a small token the nation gives back to those men and women for putting their love of country before every thing. When I drive past the local veteran's cemetery, the rows of white crosses remind me of that sacrifice. Today, small American flags flutter at each grave, planted by the Boy Scouts troops this past week in honor and remembrance.

God bless America. And God bless our servicemen and women.

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 8:47 PM | 0 comments

Monday, January 21, 2008

Yawza!

Wow, I just realized, it's been a month today since I last posted on here. I'm not going to make a lot of excuses, suffice it to say I spent my Christmas vacation -- almost two full weeks -- laid up with a sinus infection and cluster headaches. I've been playing catch up ever since.

However, when I saw the date of my last posting, I thought of one of my favorite quotations:

"Time's fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog!

Okay, enough silliness. Or maybe not enough. So I'll post my -- trumpet roll, please -- New Year's resolutions to give you more chuckles. Here goes!

My List of Resolutions:

1 - Start on a healthier eating plan - I refuse to say diet as that word implies something of shorter duration. I need to make Veggies, Milk, and Whole Grains part of a permanent solution.

2- Add more "Activity" to my daily plan -- Funny how typing on a computer 6 hours min at work and several more hours at home in the evenings doesn't burn calories. It's high stress but unfortunately low aerobic.

3- Work on my writing, EVERY day. I'm not going to set outrageous goals. I'm just going to promise that, every day, I'll work 15 minutes or 100 words, whichever comes LAST.

4- Find time for fun with friends. All work and no play makes me a grouchy isolationist. I need to socialize more.

5- Take time each day for meditation, prayer, contemplation, whatever you want to call it.

6- Get in bed by midnight -- I ain't as young as I used to be. Staying up until 2a.m. then getting up for work at 6:30 a.m. takes more of a toll these days.

7- Really clean my home office once a month. It will improve concentration.

8- And another practical promise, hang up or put away my laundry as soon as it's out of the dryer.

Well, there's probably a lot of others I should do, but this is the beginning.

Have a good day!

~~ Stephanie

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 7:31 AM | 2 comments

Friday, December 21, 2007

The Ultimate Christmas Pagent

Someone sent this to me and I just had to share it. The heck with Kodak Moments, most of us parents remember these "Bayer Moments" much more clearly!

Gold, Common Sense and Fur

By Linda C. Stafford

My husband and I had been happily (most of the time) married for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with his word as my guide.

God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, he blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.

We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never To ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If You pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint him. I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs. When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even come close - I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God To give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But, he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."

My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes, silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing. I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-Mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur." "

My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 5:42 PM | 2 comments

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Missing in Translation...

To help the economy, Governor Granholm is campaigning for Michiganders to buy Michigan products for Christmas gifts. Her team designed the unfortunate logo at the right.

Hmmmmm. Given the state of the economy, I have to wonder how much the going rate is for a state. Do you think the Hollywood writers' strike has hit Michigan?

*****
On a lighter note, someone sent this too me. I had to share it, because it's so darned true.

You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when...

1. You point at a spot on your right hand to show where you live. I live in the middle of the palm

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. Boy is THAT true!

11. You know the 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. This one is wrong. The seasons are almost winter, winter, bad sledding, and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Ohio.

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find zero degrees "a little chilly."

22. You drink pop, and you bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernor's and you know it's not medicine.

24. You know what a Yooper is.

25. You think owning a Honda is un-American.

26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction

27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb. See Point 1

28. You understand that when visiting Detroit , the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

29. You actually understand these jokes, and you share them with all your Michigan friends.

Keeping smiling!
-- Stephanie

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 6:39 PM | 2 comments

Do You See What I See?

It puzzles me how people who moan and complain nonstop about gas prices, the cost of groceries and everything else, will think nothing of lighting 85,000 Christmas bulbs every night from Thanksgiving to New Years (or longer). I used to say I never had to turn on the lights in my living room during that time period because the reflections from the house across the street were bright enough to light up the room. I was only half-joking.

I am not Scrooge. I love Christmas. My bedroom and trunk are filled with gifts waiting to be delivered (Yes, Virginia, Santa does live in Michigan). However, I do think some people decided to use National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation as a decorating how-to.

On the other hand, I am appalled by what I saw while out shopping yesterday. A home around the corner from us usually has three large outdoor inflatable structures and several lighted snowmen, deer and penguins decorating the yard. Yesterday. the inflatables were shredded, the snowmen and other sculptures beheaded.

I hope the police catch the vandals who did it and give them more than a a few lumps of coal for Christmas.

Bah Humbug to Christmas Fun-Spoilers!

- - Stephanie

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 1:05 PM | 2 comments

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A Toast to Friendship

I could hardly believe my luck when the mail lady trudged to my door through today's sleet and snow with an Express Mail delivery. The box was from my longtime friend Leslie, who lives in Florida, a state known for oranges, Mickey Mouse, and wealthy snowbirds from the north.

The latter has become a source of temptation for me...feeding my addiction. You might go so far as to say Les is my supplier.

No, I'm not talking illegal substances. Those might be easier to kick. You see, Les has discovered a fabulous batch of thrift shops and second-hand boutiques where wealthy mavens donate gently used designer duds. Her closet(s) burst with wonderful finds.

Being a true friend, Leslie also shops for me. Not for blazers, suits or dresses. No, my addiction is far worse.

It all started about a year ago with a small box from Leslie. Inside was a pair of drop-dead-gorgeous, red Salvatore Ferragamo high heels. I nearly fainted. Now, you have to understand I am in love with shoes. I'm not as bad as Carey on Sex in the City. I'd never drop $500-1500 for a pair of shoes. Still, I have been known to go out and buy a pair of shoes to match a special dress knowing they can only be worn with that one dress. But I never dreamt I'd own a pair of Salvatore's creations.

While many of my friends tease me about "kicking" my shoe habit, Leslie never has. Leslie keeps me supplied.

Over the past months, she's sent shoes by Ferragamo, Bologna, Chinese Laundry, and others that she's unearthed on visits to the thrift stores. My addiction grows deeper with every delivery. Especially since she's never paid more than five bucks for any pair.

Today's box contained more Shoes, Glorious Shoes! Everything from a peep-toed pair of white Amalfi slingbacks to a darling pair of brown Etienne Aigner slip-ons. Just looking at them makes me smile.

So join me in a toast to friendship. Just don't dream of sipping your champagne from one of these beauties or I may have to hurt you.

Grins,
Stephanie

Posted by Stephanie Michels at 7:24 PM | 4 comments

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